Not Even You.

I'm trapped inside a life I despise.
I'm trapped wondering about you.
And all the things you never do, anymore.
What did it used to be like?
Oh, I can hardly remember these days.
Maybe I should take this as a sign.
To leave and never look back.
The days are growing longer and I'm missing you more and more
when its only been a few days, its only been a few days.
Just keep telling myself it will only be a few more days.
Until its all better.
Until our love makes sense again.
But right now I'm falling apart.
Maybe its a sign,
Do I even believe in signs anymore?
How ridiculous this must all sound to you.
Maybe I don't need you at all.
Maybe I only need to find myself.
And keep saying that "its going to be okay"
But is it, really?
We're falling apart now and its just that I can predict it
Better than you can.
Maybe its a sign that I should move far away.
Far away from you.
Because people arent the kind of things you can count on.
No, not even you.
Not even you.

I thought you were so different.
As the waves crashed around our feet.
Standing on the rocks in the sunset,
falling in love, in love.
And now were crashing just like those waves.
Hitting the shore with fury.
Foamy waves approaching the shore
becoming smaller and smaller.
We're fading away.
Watching the sun go down and remembering how we used to be.
So in love, in love.

Baby, I'm afraid,
I'm terrified of losing you.
Of waking up in the morning on my own.
Waking up with no one to tell my stories to.
Don't look at me that way.
Watching us fade away.
Take that blank look off your face.
Watching us fade away.
Should I take this as a sign?
Please quit holding on to me if all you want is to go.
If you want to go, then go.
I don't need to stay here
Waiting for something that will never happen.
They say that anything is possible
But it doesn't feel like we're changing anytime soon.
Yeah, I mean, I may smile for you.
But turn around and you will see the tears falling down
As soon as you leave the room.
So just walk away,
Just walk away today.
I will take another drink and cry on my own tonight.
Alone, in my room, the ghosts of my past haunt me.
Alone, in my room, you are no longer surrounding me.
With your arms open to hold on to me.
I have run out of reasons to try and keep you here
If you really don't want to be.
I can't feel you anymore.
I can't feel that same love.
You were the first person I believed in.
Oh, babe how I believed in you.
But I'm quickly learning that people aren't worth believing in.
Not even You.
No, not even You.

Pulling Back The Curtain.

Avoiding another reoccurring dream.
Doing anything to shake the feeling.
To shake the memory of you.
The memories of us.
It's the one where you say you miss me, too.
Handing me a stack of letters.
Carefully opening the seal and pulling out the folded words.
Eyes scanning the pages in disbelief.
Words and sentences constructed intentionally,
Fragility.
The words reminding me of so much.
Puppies drawn in yearbooks.
Your signature at the bottom of notes expertly passed in class.
Your stories.
The collages you made for me.
It all comes crashing down.
I realize.
You miss me, too.
Falling to my knees.
Remembering all of our beautiful memories.
So many more to soon be made.
Happily ever after.
We walk into the sunset holding hands.
We fade into the background smiling, laughing, reminiscing.
It's so easy.
Fading into the distance.
Credits rolling.
The crowd cries and the applause is deafening.
Oh best friend, we are forever.
That's how its supposed to be.
This is just another sad story with a happy happy happy HAPPY ending.
Dreams cannot be reconciled with waking hours.

Floating away lost in the moonlight.

Honey, I'm losing you now.
Can't you see it?
I'm this close to letting go.

Silently waking.

Have I told you lately how much I needed you?
I needed you when I was crying.
Sobbing.
Desperate.
Sitting in the bathtub, holding the phone, hands shaking.
She's gone.
She's really gone.
Everything is going to change.
What am I supposed to do? What am I going to say?
How is this going to define the rest of my life?
It's going to be fine.
You were there to say.
We can get through this.
"I'll always be here"
She died last night.
She's dead.
Why?

Waking up and
Considering how much I needed you
And you weren't there.
You just weren't...
I needed you more than ever.
Just one time, just one thing.
I fell apart, tearing at the seams.
You were the person of my dreams.
To good to be true.
And what do you know, you were.
Thinking of you, every single day.

What am I to do?
When all I can think about is returning home to you.

Blank Pages.

You cannot comprehend how I feel
In these moments when I'm alone.
You cannot understand who I am
When I'm not putting on a grand show.
You simply cannot realize
The thoughts I am surrounded by.

You don't know who I am.
Who?
Any of you.

I am not that nice girl.
That loud, energetic, spontaneous person.
You think I am.

I am tumbling down a spiral staircase.
Falling in and out of my own reality.
Losing my sanity.
And you would never know it.
This loneliness, this desire for something more concrete.
Would you even care?
Sometimes I think if you did
I wouldn't be trapped in this mess I'm in.
What an tangled web I have weaved.
I am constantly tumbling down.
Behind this white smile you see.
I am nothing.
I am no one.
But who is actually anything?

We will all fail the test of time.
We cannot stand against our death
consuming each and every one of us.
And yet I still want to be something
Do something.
Save this world from all the evil it possesses.
Save myself from the thoughts that creep upon me when I'm alone.
But really, we're all alone.
We are nothing.
We are no one.

Restart.

Your nails were polished a perfect shade of aquamarine.
We rushed away from time, but finally we're running out.
This is all that is left.
Cracking frames and holes in my memories.
Searching for a complete picture but pieces are all that remain.
We are strangers walking side by side until the end of time.
Watching as sun burns out, I am standing alone.
Watching as you turn and run, nothing but a distorted image causing
Chaos and
Madness.
You were supposed to be my everything.

You smelled like elegance and gardens filled with roses and lilies.
They were your favorite weren't they?
But caution now, there are thorns rising from your skin.
Shadows cast from that old iron fence leading to the trees.
You circle around me laughing.
Laughing.
Laughing.
I am surrounded by you and always will be.

I rush down the stairs late for another day.
Another moment in time.
tick tock, but my darling friend the doors are closing now.
And you are home but I am lost.
Searching through daydreams and memories cracked like shattered glass,
Falling to the ground in pieces after a car crash.
I wish you knew how much you mattered to me.
I meant what I wrote on that postcard that read,
"You give me hope"
Embellished with glitter and stickers and photos of us.
Tick tock.
Change is the only certainty, why certainly!
You used to give me so much hope.

Bright brown eyes and bold opinions.
But it was the way that we laughed together that I loved the most.
The way I told you more about myself than I'd ever told anyone else.
And you seemed to truly care despite my many flaws.
We are running through that old iron gate.
Out through the garden to the old trailer home.
Taking pictures and pretending that we're on the road.
The world is ours.
Everything is so clear and easy.
It's one big celebration.
What we have is one big fucking party.
We lived in one of those perfect movie montages.
The ones where the actors always smiling.
Always camera ready.
You say: We're gonna be old ladies together.
I reply: Well of course.
It could go no other way.
We could be nothing else but the way we are.

My life is one big transition since you decided to walk away.
Reciting our lines so perfectly.
Emphasizing all of the words that relate to love.
To our own little piece of the universe.
But clever actors on screen do not relate to real life.
You were always so damn clever.

I am so frustrated I could scream.
I am haunted by this.
I can't seem to escape the dreams of,
the memories of,
the reminders of,
all that we were.

With your big brown eyes and bold opinions.
I always needed you more than you needed me.
This unbalance.
A single disfigured leaf on the vine.
Twisting in all the wrong ways.
Withered and crumbling.
Falling apart as the others flourish.
Endings never end evenly.

This is the part where you come rushing back into my life.
This is the part I will always be waiting for.
I wish there was a way to set our present to a restart.
A second chance so that things could go the way that I always believed they were meant to.
I never meant to hurt you.
And if I did, I am sorry and always will be.
But you must consider that you broke my heart too.
And there is a part of me that will never be able to forgive you.
Something's gotta change.
Something like you and me.
It used to be so comfortable so easy.
Now there's this fragile line that I wonder if I can cross.
Sending me all these mixed signals.
Can things get better? Can it really change?
But here we are.
At the end of our world.
Watching and waiting.
Impatiently.
Just let me go already.
No no no.
Please come back to me.
What am I saying?

I'm falling apart, can't you see?
Nothing can replace what you left behind.
I miss the way we were.
I am stuck in between happiness and tragedy.
And that's partly because of how you abandoned me.

We were never meant to be strangers.
The sun has gone now, never to return.
Your hand left mine at the end of our world.
I stood there helpless watching you walk away.
This is my apology, this is my "I miss you"
And I am no longer ashamed to admit it.
Come back and face the ending with me.
I am surrounded by empty space.
A night sky with no stars.
An ocean with no waves.
Trees without leaves.
Downs without ups.
Empty cups.
Cloudy days without rain.
I wish missing you was enough to matter.

random

Just remember to breathe.
What can I hold onto?
Because it certainly isn't you.
Certainly isn't.
You.
Breathe, breathe when it all falls apart.
And you're left with that emptiness once again.
We're taking in our last breaths of air because baby this ships sinking.
You can't handle it, what do you think of my suffering?
You can't be immune.
But you carry yourself so well, so so so well.
And no one would ever know that your smiles are empty.
Empty and meaningless like the promises that things would get better.
Meaningless like the word "friendship" or "family"
I can hardly remember the way her voice sounded.
Or the way it felt when I used to be with them...the way life was so easy and right.
And here you are.
Telling me you're going to save me.
Baby, no one can save me.
I'm on this road alone.
Alone.
Alone,
Meaningless words, and to think I tried to hold onto them.
To think I believed you for a second.
Trust is nothing more than ignorance disguised as bliss.
And I'm holding onto nothing.
You're losing your grasp on me.
When all I want to do is run.
Run fast and away from you.
Away from everything that could hurt me.
I'll put my time into certainties.
And certainly,
I'm not the one you end up with.
I'm not your happy ending.
I'm nothing but a distraction.
So you don't feel.
Alone alone alone
But at the end of the night that's all we have.
Breathe, breathe now.
Remember to Forget.

ghost two.

It's been quite a long time since I've heard your voice.
Sending shockwaves through my entire body.
I know it's you even though I'm still half asleep.
Fading in and out of my dreams, I still knew it was you
Almost as if I could predict what you would say next.
And I recognize it's you like it was only yesterday.
Yesterday...

It's been forever since I've heard your music.
Now it's
Resonating through my entire body.
And I can almost feel my hands touching the keys once again
As you guide me slowly.
It's as if the music just flows through your fingertips
so naturally and with a purpose.
I can almost feel your touch as if it were only yesterday.
The sound of your songs, the ones that are no longer inspired by my
smile, laugh, conversations, perceptions.
Everything we were is written in the lyrics of
Yesterday

Do I even make my way into your mind
in a passing thought?

Did I even make a
dent.

Ghost.

It’s not so much who you are when you’ve once again found yourself lost.
It’s more about who you’re missing those nights you can’t remember why you felt the need to become anyone at all.
When the lights on empty roads begin to blur,
I see your smile illuminated against the pavement.
The sun sets with an eloquent beauty that makes me dream of better days.
I hear your words, always finding a way to save me from myself.
As the rain falls quietly from my big, useless brown eyes
I wonder why I could never see you clearly the way I do now.
And sometimes I wonder if you were ever even real at all.
Every action surely has a consequence.
And you were my very best mistake, the most worthwhile regret.
I’m falling.
Alone.
Your words no longer offer any comfort.
Your silence used to be enough to lessen the wreckage inside my heart’s deepest storm.
I can still feel that knife in my hand.
Carving words in the past, a knife that will be unable to forgive
Your words that never quite said enough
When I look out at the world, feeling weighed down and distanced from those I love.
I…can’t…go…on…
There you are again, whispering that our most painful secrets make us strong.
You are easily my most endearing, never ending one…
Although our mistakes cannot be forgiven
The world’s not ending any time soon despite what the television may try to say.
So there’s always hope for a new start, to make something more of who we are right now.
I can’t recognize myself.
Shaking, silenced I turn my head and look away.
I remember your ambition.
I see myself as a part of those dreams.
Forever apart, and yet bound together.
Helpless.
At best.
But who are you now?

Who are you now?